In my angst

Today was one of those days, actually this week there have been many of 'those' days. Days where my inability to control my life makes me frustrated, and downright angry. Go on an laugh, my husband often does, always telling me I never had control of it in the first place but I like to operate under the illusion that I do, that I have a least, maybe just a little, say it how things go.

Right now we are in a season of waiting. I hate it. It's so uncomfortable to be in limbo. This week I've felt like our life is on pause, while we await answers to our future; desperate to plan, prepare and dream about what's to come my anger and frustration grow.

We have a small pocket of trees right off our back patio, maybe 15 small trees grow together. When we moved into our place last August the largest of the trees didn't have any leaves. We often lamented the loss, especially in August and September, willing there to be a least a little protection from the whisp of the leafless branch. A few weeks ago, like magic, all the trees began to sprout their green buds and leaves, except of course what we have come to call our 'skeleton' tree.

I begged Dan to let me prune the tree, as there were no leaves last summer and I was tired of looking at the long skinny branch, taunting me with its ugly bare bones. We agreed I'd wait, at least a few weeks more, maybe it was a late bloomer. I waited, but I could bear it no longer, I took my clippers and began to hack away at the skeleton. What I didn't notice, until after the first clip of course, was that there were the tiniest green buds sprouting on the skeleton. In my haste I cut off our longest shade branch, a commodity if there ever was one on the back patio. I felt sick.

Patience has never been my strength. When Isabel was growing larger and larger in my belly and working her way further and further past her due date my OB told me that if I knew baby was coming tomorrow I could most definitely wait, it wasn't that I was unable but it was the unknown that was the tricky part. The unknown; when will the baby be here, will the tree ever bloom, will we ever be able to make plans for upcoming months?

This week as I was analyzing my feelings, this happens a lot around our house, I realized my life could very quickly becoming another short limb. If I'm not careful I could very easily take matters into my own hands, rushing and pushing and even cutting. In my desperate search for plans what I really need is peace, a large dose of peace as we wait out the uncomfortable stretch of what's to come. Please pray for patience before I start hacking away.